Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Not all heroes wear capes….
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met