I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I see your IQ test came back negative
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff