*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I need a headline like this
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.