What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Oops
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.