My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.