This guy gets it.
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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no