A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me