Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
You Might Also Like
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?