Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Tell me you get it…🤣
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.