honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting