[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.