You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
The happy life.. 😊
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.