without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Are these grass-fed oranges?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.