[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium