Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.