the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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Baller is short for ballerina
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
A bold strategy
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air