*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?