doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.