No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
crazy
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.