Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*