Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
You Might Also Like
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
john wicks are toilet candles
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands