“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
the #horror is real!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
When he asks for feet pics
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!