You Might Also Like
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.