Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.