At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
it was love at first sight
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I see your IQ test came back negative
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?