I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
You Might Also Like
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
How funny!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Who wants to be my Valentine?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.