The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers