Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?