MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
#Thanos #MondayMood
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”