I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*