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Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!