I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
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normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
😂😂
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after