The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
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My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.