Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
You Might Also Like
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold