shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Breaking news:
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?