My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
this is the best interaction on twitter
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy