I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”