Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that