If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote