Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Fights fire with marshmallows
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball