Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”