It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
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“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I laughed at this way too hard.