I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.