You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
New menu item
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that