[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
This is always good for a laugh.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships