I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?