stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?