Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!