This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket