It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her